Sleepy in Seattle!

Done with session 17/32 at Seattle's Fred Hutch Cancer Center! 

I am at halfway point in my radiation treatment here in Seattle. This seemed an eternity away when I started my treatment on September 3rd, right after the labor day weekend during which I tested positive for Covid. It is crazy how I dodged Covid for years, only to get it on the one emotionally charged weekend. I ended up isolating myself from my girls than hugging them tightly ahead of my hiatus to Seattle. I had lofty plans of getting groceries stocked up and fridge filled with food so my mom can have an easy time managing meals in my absence, and instead required mom to send me quarantine room service!

The first radiation session is still fresh on my mind. I was nervous, frightened, not to mention sick (from Covid). I knew they needed to keep my head extremely still, for the obvious goal of ensuring the robot's precision in hitting the tumor cells. What I did not comprehend until that first day was how they accomplished that steadiness. I had to stay still like a statue for 30min, for the mask got jammed right into my face. I couldn't blink (so kept eyes closed) or swallow the saliva. Back, neck, feet- everything had to be absolutely still. My forehead kept getting warmer as the radiation progressed, sort of like how our body feels when in direct contact with sun on a 100F day. When I was done, I had a nice grid pattern all over my face (Intel peeps: with only lithography, no etch, ). I had a bad headache at the end of all that.

After the first session, Bhaskar went back to Portland to hold down the fort. For many of the subsequent sessions, I walked from the hotel to hospital. The weather has been pleasant in Seattle, very much like Portland. Sadly the homeless and weed situation in Seattle is also reminiscent of Portland. I had deep thoughts as I walked past the serene North Seattle college campus and contrasting Northgate intersection in quick succession on my way to treatments. I always pause and chuckle at the eerie similarity between the tombstones in the cemetery I walk past and the upright chair I sit still in for my radiation. 

It is surely a huge adjustment for everyone in the family. Taara took it the hardest, often crying her way to school. I missed all of her soccer practices, gymnastics classes and dance classes. Raaga went to many dance practices and even an actual dance performance without me. My parents have their eyes on their return trip to India and their hearts and minds on my return date home. 

Out here at the Proton Center in Seattle, I sometimes see very young children- toddlers, 4-5 year olds. I also see some really old ones ringing the bell there too, to mark the end of their treatment. It's apparently a ritual there. I wonder if my ringing the bell next month means I get to go back to my pre-tumor self. I wonder if it lowers my life expectancy. I wonder if I'd have to live in the constant fear of the next tumor. I wonder if my kids would have to deal with losing me early. Everyone around me tells me that I am brave, that I am a trooper, that I am inspiring. What choice does one have than to go with the flow and do what the doctor tells one to do, however terrified one might feel, deep inside? I am just doing what I can and hoping for the best possible outcome. 

A dear friend reminded me of a beautiful Telugu song, and I got hooked to one line from it in particular- కనిపించకపోతే కళ్ళు మూసుకుని చూడు- "If you can't see it, look at it with your eyes closed". It helps that I am mostly sleeping here in Seattle, so I get plenty of opportunities to see all that I seek with my eyes closed :)

As hard as it has been, we know it is temporary, and it shall pass. After all, there is one key difference between the tombstones that lay in that cemetery and the radiation chair I sit on- Life! And it goes on! Cheers to that!

My life in the past month- in pictures!

Day1: First school morning with Amma offering only online services

Sunset at Puget Sound, after the very first radiation session

Selfie at Puget Sound

Neighborhood walk ahead of her first soccer game

Weekend#1: First day of Manabadi- New and convenient Bethany location!

A student, a teacher and a set of proud grandparents!

The inside scoop!

Status- Post Week#1 of radiation

Mask pattern imprinted on face post session

Hairfall status during week#2

Post treatment, Week#2

Weekend#2: Dance school annual day, Taara performed 'Sarasa Netra' with her group

Weekend#2: Dance school annual day, Raaga portrayed Lakshmana in the dance drama "Sri Rama Pattabhishekam"

Weekend#2: Me narrating the post-war events from Ramayanam leading up to Sri Rama Pattabhishekam at the dance drama

Weekend#2: Whole family post dance drama

Beginning of week#3: Got to do braids for these cuties before driving to Seattle

Week#3: Trip to Wenatchee with some of the sweetest people!

Week#3: Produce from Wenatchee

Week#3: Sunset in Seattle!

Weekend#3: Soccer game, Taara scored four goals!

Weekend#3: Raaga performed at Rangeela dance event with her group, she did 100% of her own makeup, and some for her sister too, though she did not need it :)

Weekend#3: That is all the hairfall from that Saturday alone

Weekend#3: Pictures from Raaga's group performing to Yanni's Nostalgia. I missed watching it live but was proud just the same, watching the video

Week#4: I met with Cinnamon, Hema's pet bunny, for the first time, on Thursday. She had the most beautiful eyes, ate well, and lead the most wonderful of lives with her sibling Snowy. On Friday night, she fell a prey to a hungry Bobcat. Cinnamon has been in my thoughts ever since. How unpredictable life can be!

Weekend#4: Taara participated in CueMath competition in PDX and was thrilled with her first place finish

Weekend#4: Raaga and friends at Westview HoCo- missed Swathi there to complete team 'STAR'

Weekend#4: Taara is terrified to look at my bald spot but luckily the left over hair so far has done a good job of covering it up. Let's see if that can continue to work so everyone can forget about it or if I have to shave it all off

Beginning of Week#5: School drop-off before heading out on the drive up North

Week#5: What kids' homework time has been looking like!